Hello Hello it is Marta again!
I am one eye smiling and one eye crying because Olly is gone, and here on the veranda it is getting cold for my bikini that I have been wearing since Christmas. Soon the men are coming to drink stout and still he does not come back.
Where is he? Did he get trapped in the glacier again?
So it is colder and poor Marta left here to smuggle tic tacs while the ghost of Olly is warm by fire watching Foxtel with his love, and they are holding hands and make warm soup and Olly is digging in his garden and soon the plants of next year will blossom and die and still he has left me here.
I wish I had my silver space suit for keeping warm, or the parka with lovely fur on the collar, but no it is the sliver bikini instead and this bikini makes me think of the James Bond films.
I am remember Mr Broccoli says to me “Marta – you are the next Bond Girl” but I am busy with L.I.S. and cannot break my contract. But so also I am the good friend of Ursula Andress and Honor Blackman and Diana Rigg and they all tell me I should do it.
So I have the meeting with Mr Brocoli and he tells me no problem – he can have me out of my contract and into the arms of Mr Connery faster than the Jupiter II goes through a meteor shower.
The problem for me is the song.
I am saying I will not do the Bond Film unless there is the good song. Which is best? The Bond Theme (Dr No)? From Russia with Love? Goldfinger? Thunderball?
Waiting, waiting – when is the good song? Each time Mr Broccoli calls me “Marta – are you ready?” and I am say “Play me the song Cubby”
So it goes… On Her Majesty’s Secret Service, Diamonds are Forever…
Waiting, waiting… You see my problem? Which is the best theme and the good one for Marta? I am hope the readerspeedboat is helping here.
Takk! Marta
May 6, 2009 at 6:35 pm |
What a great topic you have chosen!, in honour of my recent posts no doubt.
My favourite is the original Casino Royale theme. I was to have appeared in it, but got a bad infestation of the Western black-legged tick.
You DO NOT want to get that. Check you on the flipside babe.
May 7, 2009 at 4:01 am |
“When you were young
& your heart was an open book
you used to say live & let live
(you know you did, you know you did, you know you did)”
Shame I got lumbered with creaky old Roger Moor though.
May 7, 2009 at 5:51 am |
Hi again Lance!
I am sorry for your tic; that is bad. One time on L.I.S. Major West was trapped in the skank dimension and came back with a bad itch in his parts – it that the same? He was in such of a bad mood.
But I think your movie is not so good. I am sorry but this song is silly. After the film Ursula told me it was the big mistake. Oh Well!
And Hello Jane!
Thank you for visiting. You are very beautiful and one of my favourite girls. I am so sorry for you that it was with Roger Moore yes. But some people say your song is the best song. Some have said it was the best song to be written by any Beatle when they are not the Beatle, but I think Imagine is better.
May 7, 2009 at 6:27 am |
Marta, thank you. My beauty has served me well, especially in those perfume adverts in a French garden. Don’t forget my versatility though: who else could have brought such credibility & dignity to ‘Dr Quinn: Medicine Woman’? I see from some of your correspondents that your talents are often played down because of your loveliness too. Such a shame.
As for the best song written etc., no doubt you’re correct. Personally I have a soft spot for ‘When We Was Fab’. Unfortunately Cubby said it didn’t really fit with the spinning tarot cards, revolving revolvers & trampolining semi-clad serious actresses for the credit sequence.
May 7, 2009 at 7:03 pm |
Don’t be fooled by the rocks that I got
I’m still, I’m still Johnny from the block.
Yo, yeh get back what ya put out.
That Johnny Two cashed his check(sic)
Now he’s Johnny, Johnny from the block.
“From Russia with Love”. Matt Monroe, he de bomb.
May 8, 2009 at 9:55 am |
Hey Jane – Marta’s right; you’re smoking hot babe!
I loved you in Dr Quin. – except I used to call it Dr Quim; get it?
Anyway, sorry – don’t mean to be rude I just though it was pretty funny. I also like your name – Seemore. It’s kinda like see more – get it? Like my mates and I would be watching you on Dr Quim and we’d say “gee, I’d like to SEE MORE of that!”
But as for bond movies, I think the best was T2-Judgement Day
Coops
May 8, 2009 at 9:56 am |
Le Ha ha ha ha!
Allo mes – ow yo say – friends
Ma song de favourite is “Tree blind Mice” from “Physician Non”. Nat a theme in the real sense I grant vous, but zee idee fixee, non? At zee glance first, sort of light, but zen, deadly zerious, ma inglish friends.
Mme. Marta, mon cherrie, vous vould ave shone in “Diamonds is Forever, Non?” as eet was set in le space for a bit. Vous would nat ave ad to train at zee NASA on le spinny around tres quickly machines as vous were already, ow you zay – aclimatized. Ha Ha Ha Ha ['olds a snak up le scarily and applies purfumed anky to la nase on beauty spot side]
Zer was non monkee in zee flims Bond, but M.Eastwood Clint ad an wild man of Borneo in is Every Vich Vay L’franchises.
Ha ha
May 8, 2009 at 10:22 pm |
Don’t be fooled by the rocks that I got
I’m still, I’m still Johnny from the block.
Yo beeeatch, Matt Monro is the barmb. From Russia with Love.
May 9, 2009 at 4:32 am |
Well at least nobody mentioned my Golden Globes…
May 9, 2009 at 4:35 am |
An astoundingly clever rhyme scheme in ‘Goldfinger’ I find.
Not only ‘Such a cold finger… has Mr Goldfinger’ but also ‘His heart is cold… he loves gold’
Such economy of vocabulary it fairly takes one’s breath away!
May 9, 2009 at 12:30 pm |
‘Allo mes Aingleesh friends, Ha ha ha.
Ven I is not scaring zee wits out of zee Jamaicans, such zat zay cut up le cocks and srinkle zere blood and zen, how you say it, make zee luv with teenage leettle gurls (and zank eavan for zem!) Ah reflect-e-vous on on le themes Bond.
Now I sink an amee tres old, L’Olly, must ave lacked zee theme d’amour from zee Geo. Lazenbee Bond vehicle: “On Zee Republic’s Service Secret” (as it was released in Frances) called, “Ve ‘ave all zee tarm in zee World” and sung by zee french hom (colonial of course ma cherries) Louis Strong Arm.
L’Olly zo vived zat way, no? Nezzer any hurry from is quater to do anysing, lark blog or zat.
Not so you, busy Marta! Endless LIS work and zen LES-er work pour vous, no?
Ha ha ha! [disappears in le ball d'fume]
May 10, 2009 at 8:01 am |
Bonjour Duc !
Il est si gentil de vous faire me rendre visite. Je te parle en français parce que je suis bilingue. Merci pour vos mots aimables sur mon cinéma, et oui, je suis occupé. Mais je ne suis pas une lesbienne excepté dans la douche avec mes amis. Je pense que vous me confondez avec Judith Wright.
May 12, 2009 at 1:57 pm |
Lesbianism indeed!!!!!!!!!!
In the words of Dame Edna, it always left a bad taste in my mouth.
By the way, Saints be praised, I am almost in that select group (saints, that is, not lesbians…. errr…… for all the catholic church knows). The picture of the Virgin Mary miraculously appearing in the cocoa powder on the Pope’s capuccino really put the cream on it, if you will.
Look forward to seeing you on the other side, Marta. Yeahhhh, really looking forward to it……
May 12, 2009 at 9:17 pm |
Bow your heads and pray for God’s blessing
May 12, 2009 at 9:25 pm |
But in y case. point your head downwards with you hands, yuk yuk.
I am Saint Dennis, “zee ‘eadless patron San of all France”, as pointed out years ago by our bloggy friends, and le paleese, forgive my french.
Anyroad, Mother Blessed this House Mary, their ain’t no prohibition on lezzers in the bible, aint nowhere in Leviticus (‘cept eatin bearded clams, arf arf) nor nowheres else. So thee can look ponst them pretty girls like our hostrix Marta sortin’ her school friends* out in the shower after hockey practice.
So take your provincial anti she love views and sweep them under the rug, if you’ll forgive me.
Not that such ponderin’ helps me now that it takes both hands to hold my head up.
Why dont no one do poems no mo’e?
* final year class, all 18+, just!
May 13, 2009 at 6:52 am |
If t’is poetry yer want, warrabout my mahvelous ditty wot we dun fer Roger Moore & Christofer Warken?
‘could it be the whole Earth opening wide
a sacred why
a mystery keeping inside
the weekends – why
until we dance into the fire
the fatal kiss is all we need
dance into the fire…’
Impressive huh? Plus my prownonseeyayshun of ‘phoenix’ has to be heard to be believed.
May 13, 2009 at 8:18 am |
Hello Saints!
Well we have two saints and I am so happy they are come to visit me! Ah, the saints are talking always on the trick points like angels on the pin or if it is OK to be a lezzer.
But many years I am travelling in space, lost, and the mighty galaxies spin past me, and I cross the dimensions (green, poof, skank) and see the many forms of life; the kind ones and the cruel ones, and see the joys and heartbreak that all flesh is heir to. I see the many great suns that spin across many galaxies, and I wonder how the suns are made, and where is the end of the universe and when is the start and end of time? But the wise saints? They wonder if it is OK that I have a shower with Angela or my other friends!
May 13, 2009 at 8:52 am |
Oh yeah well, I wonder why there are mudslides in South America that kill children, I mean hey, I was just ponering about the leviticus thing, is all, just at that moment. In fact I think so much on the big things that it’s doing my cut off head in, mon dieu!
May 13, 2009 at 8:57 am |
Hello Simon!
You are a handsome man and have very nice hair. Now you have become partly old but that is OK. I like your songs, but my favourite is “Rio” and “Hungry like the Wolf.” I saw you in the Bond song, and the song is OK but not great. (sorry)
But I do think it is funny when you say “My name is Bon – Simon le Bon” Ha Ha! 
Also I am happy I have learned to make emoticons! 
Marta
May 13, 2009 at 11:44 am |
Hearken unto judgment, abominatrix! The Good Book contains many a coded denunciation of filth and licentiousness. Like 1 Sam. c.14 v.36:
“And Saul said, Let us go down on the Philistines by night and spoil them until the morning light and let us not leave a man of them. And they said: Do whatsoever seemeth good unto thee.”
And verse 43:
Then Saul said to Jonathon, Tell me what thou hast done. And Jonathon told him and said, I did but taste a little honey with the end of the rod that was in mine hand, and, lo, I must die.
You bet, you filthy abominator!
Still looking for the injunction against Saphistry, but.
May 14, 2009 at 6:58 am |
Hi Mr Jensen!
Thankyou so much for visiting – you also have a daughter Judy!
But you have a beautiful song. It is not a Bond song but still I remember it!
Meet George Jensen.
His Boy Elroy.
Daughter Judy.
Jane his wife.
Such a short song, but so beautiful. I do not understand your letter to me, but I think we both live in space in the future it is nice, no?
May 14, 2009 at 7:56 am |
Marta, my dear child, don’t worry yourself with thoughts of the origins of the universe, there is no need. Why, our almighty Father did it (God, that is, not John Robinson).
There, let’s not think of it again, and get back to those showers…..
Tell us more about Penny, yeah, Penny….
May 14, 2009 at 3:11 pm |
Hello St Mary!
I am so glad that God made the world an now I have no worries. But I am afraid poor Penny does have some worries for Debbie the Gloop. One time I am having the shower and I hear from the next shower in the Jupiter II a sad noise is made and looking I see it is Penny who is also showers.
So I ask, “What is wrong?” and Penny says “Oh Judy! I am so worried for Debbie the Gloop that she is just a space creature and when she dies her soul will not go to heaven! Oh Judy it makes me so sad and I had to come to the shower so my tears will not show.”
And so I say, “Poor Penny – you must not worry and be sad – here, let me hold you so that the troubles go away.” And then her young woman’s body folds into mine, and with my arms around her I gently stroke the soft skin of her neck and I say “Penny, I am not knowing much of God, but I know he is good and kind, and he will look on us and on Debbie the Gloop too and make sure we are safe. And if we love him our souls will go in heaven and be joy forever, and I know he loves Debbie the Gloop as well and her soul will be happy. For he has given us our lives, and made all the planets, and even if we wonder why he has made us lost for years away from home in space it is because he loves us and has a plan.”
So Penny says, “Oh thank you Judy!” and she looks up at me, and in her young face I see a smile and then she tilts her head back and gives me the softest kiss on my lips, and says, “you are such a wonderful sister to me! I know now I am so lucky. And I was worried before about the other feelings I have for you, but I see now that God has put them there, and because he loves me they must be good feelings – because I have wanted you with me here in the shower, and to lie with you and have you caress me with your soft hands… Oh Judy! Yes, just like that Judy! God has given us this passion Judy, he has set my body on fire for you, and we must accept his will.”
May 14, 2009 at 10:30 pm |
Ahem, I thought LIS was pretend, a performance l- ike travelling players in medi-evil frances put on. If so, those thoughts of God condoning women lying with one another as a man does a women are part of the play, and not real, real like, say theis blog is, for instance. That means the story, such as it is, is a blasphemy, and Geo Pell/Jenson (you tell’em apart) is correct!
It’s death by fire for Judy Robinson. I hope Marta can wriggle out of her before the faggots are lit.
Just by the bye, if you thought a bloke with his head cut off would go around preaching with his head in his hands for his last seconds rather than turn his face around and give himself 20 headjobs, you can beleive this LIS story, and get f*cked while you’re at it.
May 14, 2009 at 10:38 pm |
Ahem, I thought LIS was pretend, a performance -like travelling players in medi-evil frances put on. If so, those thoughts of God condoning women lying with one another as a man does a women are part of the play, and not real, real like, say this blog is, for instance. That means the story, such as it is, is a blasphemy, and Geo Pell/Jenson (you tell’em apart) is correct!
It’s death by fire for Judy Robinson. I hope Marta can wriggle out of her before the faggots are lit.
Just by the bye, if you thought a bloke with his head cut off would go around preaching with his head in his hands for his last seconds rather than turn his face around and give himself 20 headjobs, you can beleive this LIS story, and get f*cked while you’re at it.
May 14, 2009 at 11:50 pm |
Dennis- Dennis, you say everything twice, Dennis- Dennis…
May 15, 2009 at 9:19 am |
My dear Marta
Forgive me for not writing sooner. I have myself been in your homeland of Norway where I was honoured to have the role of recording secretary for the Northern EU Chapter of the Glacial Archaeological Society. This, if you remember, is the governing body of those clever fellows who found both Otzi the iceman and our own proto-ollyan man trapped in the glacier.
But to the matter at hand – cryptography, much loved by secret agents such as Mr Bond and out own Mr Link (secret chimp).
I remember taking a brief course in my undergraduate days that involved some of the common cipher methods – simple text-text encoding and decoding, and your recent post sent my scurrying back to my books, with rather illuminating results!
Suppose we take this famous line:
“Mum and Dad and Denny saw the passing out parade at Puckapunyal (it was a long march from cadets)”
And apply to it a simple bimodal encryption using the public-key “liveandletdie” we get:
“When you were young and your heart was on open book, you used to say live and let live (you know you did, you know you did, you know you did)”
Now, take the SAME LINE and apply the SAME simple bimodal encryption using the public-key “thunderball” and we get:
“He always runs while others walk. He acts while other men just talk. He looks at this world, and wants it all, So he strikes, like thunderball.”
Do you see where this is leading? One more example:
Again, the first line of “19” bimodally enyrpted using the key “quantumofsolace” yeilds:
“Another player with the slick trigger finger for Her Majesty.
Another one with the golden tone voice poisoning your fantasy.
Another bill from a killer turned a thriller into a tragedy.
A door left open
A woman walking by
A drop in the water
A look in the eye
A phone on the table
A man on your side
Oh, someone that you think that you can trust
Is just
Another way to die”
Now Marta, as you know, I am a simple man of science and not given to flights of fancy, but it would seem to me that the evidence quite strongly suggests that Mr Schumann wrote ALL the Bond themes himself, and left clues to this fact in the lyrics of his magnum opus. I am still, after all my exposure to the man and his talent, gob smacked by his achievements.
Yours truly,
Sigismund.
May 15, 2009 at 1:20 pm |
Thank Christ I’m dead.
Now I don’t have to pretend to like Michael Caton.
The man’s a tool.
May 15, 2009 at 10:38 pm |
Charming! I’m not dead (although I might as well be after Basic Instinct 2)
May 17, 2009 at 8:45 pm |
You poor fools!
I’m not dead, in fact I’m waiting till 2065 when I really start to live!
Come here Penelope, and let your eyes play upon me, lit from within as if by a nine volt battery!
(Well come to think of it, actually they are, but thats another story….)
May 19, 2009 at 8:51 pm |
Marta, your website says you have many faces. Every one of them beautiful, I might add. (Licks index finger and runs across top of eyebrows).
And you were in an episode of “Trapper John” in 1985!!! Who said your career was over after LIS?
My vote: Goldfinger
May 19, 2009 at 10:20 pm |
Oh – Mr Boots. Thankyou for writings! And Mr Hackenbacker and Mr Tingwell and dear Sigismund and also Mrs Harry!
You are all so kind to give me your thoughts and I am two eyes crying that I have not said hello to you all but I am very confused with all the thinking that I need to sort this problem.
For you see I am offered the Eva Green role in Casino Royale but I do not like the song! No! Again! But I am watching the film after it has made and what do I see? Eva is in the shower with Mr Bond! How is this? And she has all clothes on but is sad because they had to be killed the bad men, But Mr Bond is kind and puts his arm on her and it reminds me of me and Penny on the shower excepting they wear more clothes and are not touching with so much joy.
So there is the new song for the new film like Mr Sigismund says, and it is the best song!
“You are the slick gun slinger with the trigger for Her Majesty”
I love it! But too late – there is a new Bond girl and she is not I.
Oh, too bad I say, maybe the next one.
May 19, 2009 at 11:14 pm |
Dear Marta,
Some might say (not me), that you are posting too often. They would say that it is not in the spirit and memory of Olly. You should post………….and then totally ignore your readership for at least three months before re-appearing as Madam Roberta Hinderwoman.
Yours,
BB
May 20, 2009 at 7:42 am |
Hello Mr Boots!
Yes, you are right. Sometimes I am posting too much. Why? It is because I think I miss Olly when I have been sitting his knee for so many months and now he is gone. He is a funny man even though he tries to put his parts in my bottom and a touch me where he should not be, still I miss him and am sometimes lonely so I post to all my new friends.
One time Olly said to me “Come on Marta, how about it? I have not had the ferret out for ages” and I say “But Olly – you dirty dog – you told me before that the last girl you have sex with is still at school” And he says, “Well, Marta – it’s true she was still at school, but the thing is, so was I.”
So of course I am missing him, but I dream that maybe one day he will come back, don’t you hope so too Mr Boots?
May 21, 2009 at 9:44 am |
Nearly jumped outta my Jimmychoos when I clapped eyes on this choice bit of gossip! Check out the description…
May 21, 2009 at 5:52 pm |
Marta
I, for one, don’t understand why Olly didn’t go the distance…..
At this juncture I would have to say that I have been proven to be a better coach than Olly has a “blogger”.
Yes, that’s right Olly – T Wallace is better than YOU
Terry
May 22, 2009 at 11:01 am |
Well I just got back from a fruitless search of the Coober Pedy disused mine shafts, which is always a good spot to dump a body, but no sight of Big.
For mine, it boils down to two options: either he’s renditioned to a CIA black spot in Ouchiwowastan, or else those vague but persistent yet ludicrous rumours of him being sighted hand-in-hand at various country markets and Hahndorf have some credence.
Obviously the first option is the most likely, but let’s all keep our options open and remain vigilant.
May 22, 2009 at 4:57 pm |
Mr Wallace
My friend told me you are the football man. We do not have this game in Norway but they tell me you play it where all the men go in to one room where there is one small drunk girl on the bed and the men all watch and touch their parts together in time and this helps them play more as the team.
I think we will not have this game in Norway because we like to ski more, and sometimes the skates too, but perhaps there is no ice in your country and that is why.
May 22, 2009 at 5:04 pm |
Hello again Mr Bloke!
Oh, you make me sad that you can journey to the beautiful outback where it is warm and sun and I am sitting here on the veranda and I cannot move until Olly comes back to set me free.
Please find him for me! Think of poor Marta alone and sad in her bikini as the days go colder and sometimes even there is rain.
You are lucky to have time for the beautiful warm coffee with Miss Fide and listen to the pan pipes. Perhaps together you can find him? If you hold hands and look at the other in the eye with a smile and say “come on, we can find him!” you will be able to bring him back to his place.
May 22, 2009 at 7:10 pm |
Marta, I was slightly alarmed by this:
“Who is the mystery man in this picture?
Apparently stripped to the waist and a little on the portly side, the ghostly figure sitting in a chair in the attic…”
but on further investigation I don’t think the resemblence is that strong. The search continues!
May 23, 2009 at 6:47 am |
this
May 23, 2009 at 6:49 am |
Hmm tried to put up a link to a news report, but it didn’t go through properly. I will say this though (apparently).
May 27, 2009 at 11:39 am |
Where is everybody? Don’t be outbidding each other at the Marcel Marceaux auction now…
May 27, 2009 at 12:02 pm |
Hello Miss Fide!
I am verry sorry I am not writing to you before now, but I was so cold on the stout club veranda without Olly. He is sitting by the fire with his love and they are holding hands and making the pretty names for the other like snuggles and cutie and drinking a cocoa, and he left me here trapped in my bikini.
Do you see now I have my space suit to try and be warm? Dear Penny brought it for me and took me to the beautiful warm shower and I am back and more happy.
May 28, 2009 at 9:54 am |
Well, it shows I’ve really lost it – I had thought that my taunts would motivate Olly to rouse himself from his blog-exile. But no……
It’s made me lose weight, all the stress of it – I am sorry Marta, but I don’t think I can do this any more.
May 28, 2009 at 3:02 pm |
I couldn’t even stir a comment out of “Some Bloke”, and that really troubles me
May 28, 2009 at 3:09 pm |
Mr Wallace
Yes this is true – they are all gone. Is Mr bloke with Miss Fide now drinking coffee? we don’t know. Did you notice I have my spacesuit? I think maybe I will go back into space it is so lonely here if I can only break free of the veranda. Olly will not help me. Did he only like me in my bikini?
May 28, 2009 at 8:37 pm |
Just me & the mice here Marta. Not even any coffee! I can probably resolve that one though.
May 29, 2009 at 12:12 pm |
After a little company, girls? Everyone’s up and left you, have they, like that time when Will and Smith found the future abandoned ruin of the Jupiter II with the graves of the rest of us and all cobwebs inside and Smith had that great one liner: “I wouldn’t bother going down to the lower deck, Will… There isn’t one!”
Yeah, well, we’re all lonely sooner or later and I guess ‘ol Donny-boy don’t look so bad after all, eh?
May 29, 2009 at 12:37 pm |
Hey Don – I just noticed that “space suit” rhymes with “ace root”
Whad’ya reckon – makings of a haiku?
May 29, 2009 at 12:47 pm |
Woah!
“Judy” rhymes with “nudey” AND “rudey”
BRB
Coops
June 1, 2009 at 1:55 pm |
I’m off to join Olly then
its been real
Tel
June 2, 2009 at 12:31 pm |
My dear people, let us pray.
…..that Big Olly, as he must in the end, makes the only decision he should and proclaim Thunderball as the best Bond theme.
Anyone who has tried to sustain Mr Jones’s’s finish, while in the shower (don’t get me started, Marta my dear) or elsewhere, will only have succeeded in bursting an eardrum or a blood vessel in the nose or, in the case of some of my more holy associates, getting their stigmatas flowing.
By the way, forgive me for getting back to the original blog topic, but if we’re not going to go on with a bit of girl on girl action instead, I’m out of here.
S#%t, that will get me another century in purgatory.